Are You Happy Now?

BEWARE: Maraming bad words dito... that's just the way i vent things out... so if you know that your heart can't handle such words, then better not continue, you'd be dismayed, you'd be turned-off...

When you read this, mag-comment na lang kayo... wag nang magtanong pa... hindi ko pa kaya sagutin whatever questions you'll all throw me... PLEASE... NGAYON LANG AKO NAKIKIUSAP NANG SERYOSO...

I'm 24, turning 25 suprisingly this month... my birth month is always, i should say, my worst month... all (all right, almost all) goes overturned and emotional during this grrrreat month... and again, surprisingly (sarcasm intended) ganon pa rin talaga hanggang ngayong 2005... buti pa nung bata ako best month ang birth month ko... many things change talaga when you grow older...

Almost 25 years of this sometimes ok but often shitty crappy life... 8 years I have known you... EIGHT FUCKING YEARS!!!! bilangin ko ha baka sakaling hindi mo ma-absorb... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8... eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight... (i could go on forever saying this number, you know... like the way i could have walked and ran and wailed forever last night...) all wasted because of your damn pride... all wasted because ayaw mong mapahiya... all wasted because hindi mo kayang panindigan yung mga ginagawa mo sa buhay kaya para hindi ka masumbatan ng mga tao papairalin mo 'yang lintek mong pride... kainin mo pride mo!!!!!

Are you happy now? SANAAAAA!!!! You brought this upon yourself... For my own kabawasan ng mga hinanakit sa 'yo, I'll tell you (again) what I feel...

1. I feel fucking stupid... pinaikot-ikot mo ako... niloko TO DEATH...
2. I feel fucking miserable... I'm not happy to lose you but you pushed me to let go of you...

3. I feel fucking sore... dahil din sa gusto kong mapatunayan sa 'yo na kaya kong maglakad TO DEATH... We did walk... me ranting and crying and cursing and running and flaming with sooooooo much anger... and you crying and asking and saying sorry... funny scene isn't it?

4. I feel fucking used...
5. I feel fucking betrayed...
6. I feel fucking hurt...
7. I feel fucking torn apart...
8. I feel fucking depressed...
9. I feel fucking devastated...
10. I feel fucking suicidal...

This list could go on... di na kaya ng powers ko na i-enumerate pa lahat... every damn number I add, a stake is driven on my back... the more I hurt you with what I write, the more I hurt myself... I didn't want anything like this happening to us... not us... of all people, my God, not us... but why did you have to do that? Again, are you happpy now?

I don't know what to do with you... I'd like you to stay, but you'll definitely hurt me again... don't say you wouldn't... you would, I should know... I've been fooled too many times... I'd like you to know that I have not valued anyone in my life as I have valued you and I have not been wounded by anyone as you have wounded me... I'd like to say na all's okay, just for old time's sake... but my heart is really crying out loud na it's but time na maging honest ako sa sarili... na talaga nga naman it's not at all okay...

After the shouting, the crying, the wailing, the running, we talked okay naman... I enjoy those moments where we are transparently honest with each other, kwentuhan lang, simple uncomplicated life kumbaga... but why do such moments have to be only after a big fight... after all the hurtful words have been said... after all the curses have been thrown to each other... after all are about to be ended... baket? pwede mo bang sagutin kung baket?

Hindi ko na kaya, I'm in the verge of crying uncontrollably na naman... Are you happy now??? Ha? Ha? Ha? Are you happy now?

Last night you were singing this song... even asked me for the lyrics...

I thought sometime alone was what we really needed
you said this time would hurt more than it helps
but I couldn't see that
I thought it was the end of a beautiful story
and so I left the one I loved at home to be alone
and I tried to find out if this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now and I've had a change of heart

how i wish you have a change of heart... but I'm not quite sure if I'll let you in my life again... you've hurt me too much this time... it cut so deep that it wouldn't easily heal... and it wouldn't easily be forgiven and forgotten...

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

I'd rather do all of those too... God knows how much I'd give up to turn back time... how much I dyingly wish na when I wake up masamang panaginip lang pala... na when I wake up ikaw pa rin yun... But why do you always fail me? Why do you always break your promises? Why can't you, for the sake of keeping me, if I am worth keeping, do anything right and selfless? Why can't you just treasure this relationship and nurture and handle it with utmost care? Why? Why po why?

(I omitted the second verse because it is about getting back together, so it doesn't apply...)

I can't blame you if you turn away from me, like I've done you,
I can only prove the things I say with time, please be mine

I won't even blame myself if I turn away... that would hurt... that would really hurt, pero parang ganun ang ipinipilit mo sa akin...

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

I'd really rather do these... but I don't know for how long I can hold on, for how much more can I endure...

Alam mo wish ko ngayon suyuin mo ko.... pero alam ko hindi mo naman gagawin yun... you were never like that... kahit na super obvious na na I'm fishing for lambing, you never give in... how I wish... how I truly wish... sana if I cry one whole day, everything would be fine... sana if I walk a hundred miles, everything will be okay... sana if a say a thousand prayers, all our pain will be lifted...

With all the heartaches we are now going through, are you happy now?
With you seeing me cry and tear my heart apart, are you happy now?
With you feeding on just your wallowing pride, are you happy now?
With the broken promise of forever, are you happy now?
With the eventuality of me not staying, are you happy now?

Sana all your actions are worth everything you'll be giving up... sana they are worth replacing me... sana they are worth more than what I'm worth in your life... and sana, you're happy now... kasi ako hinde...


PS. Read Thet's blog entry, The Meantime Girl... I'm her...